They say crime don’t pay.But it pays more than minimum wage.
All I want for Christmas is electroconvulsive therapy.
Hungry and anxious.
"I have been waiting my whole life for this gif set."
(Source: nentindo, via homegrowninsanity)
I like to think of the bits of peppermint candy in my ice cream as the teeth of my enemies.
Just remember you gave up your childhood in exchange for a brick of social obligation that is your phone.
My friend stood up to stretch. I immediately stood up because I thought we were going into a song and dance number.
I found dentures a block from my house. After kicking them over, I grew attached to this upper set of teeth. Turns out they belong to the drunken downstairs neighbor and my parents insist on me giving them back. #WhyCan’tIHaveNiceThings?
I have a bad habit of approaching online dating as a job application process.
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