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Tbh I want to write the last text message because if I’m the last one and I’m left hanging, I feel so vulnerable and I go into a downward emotional spiral for no reason and it ruins my whole day. Jk jk. But rlly tho.

My compass always points north but how would I know if I’m pointing the north pole or just a magnet.

My compass points to you.

They say crime don’t pay.
But it pays more than minimum wage.

All I want for Christmas is electroconvulsive therapy.

Hungry and anxious.

I like to think of the bits of peppermint candy in my ice cream as the teeth of my enemies.

Just remember you gave up your childhood in exchange for a brick of social obligation that is your phone.

My friend stood up to stretch. I immediately stood up because I thought we were going into a song and dance number.


I found dentures a block from my house. After kicking them over, I grew attached to this upper set of teeth. Turns out they belong to the drunken downstairs neighbor and my parents insist on me giving them back. #WhyCan’tIHaveNiceThings?

I found dentures a block from my house. After kicking them over, I grew attached to this upper set of teeth. Turns out they belong to the drunken downstairs neighbor and my parents insist on me giving them back. #WhyCan’tIHaveNiceThings?